Why I am Okay Being Alone this Time Around

Well, I have been divorced almost 4 years. I was married for 17 years. At 20, I was very eager to get married. Get on with life. Have babies, you know the drill. Now, I'm much more reticent about big changes. I am in a serious relationship and I love him very much. We plan to marry someday, but honestly, it scares the daylights out of me. I was serious when I got married for the first time. I had no intention of divorce. But there came a time when I was dying inside and it was either divorce or my own spiritual death. I am a different person than I was fresh out of divorce. I was excited to be free. I altered who I was for all the years I was married out of fear that he wouldn't approve of the real me. When I was finally free, I relished in the freedom. I remember eating ice cream out of the carton in the first few months... in bed!! I did lots of things I had never done before. Why? Because I could!! I went dancing for the first time on my 40th birthday. I had my first margarita after my divorce. I bought a coffee pot, a real one, and drink coffee whenever I feel like it. It's not about being selfish... it's just about being - ME. The kids and I decorated our home, I put candles everywhere, we felt relaxed and happy in our own home, no fear of criticism or anger.

In the early days, I thought I might be eager to get married again when the time came. I love the idea of being married. I love family time. And I love spending time with my guy now. But also love coming home to my kids in our relaxed home and not worrying about a little mess. I am so much neater than I was in years past, but this home is lived in. And the relationship I have with my kids is so much more important than having a spotless home. I get frustrated that I have to remind them 101 times to do a simple chore, one they should do every day. I tire of telling them to clean up after their snacks. But I am not going to belittle them and make a bigger deal out of it than needed. We're going to clean up and then play a game. We all enjoy a clean space. We all struggle with keeping up with it.

I love to relax at night after kids go to bed. Some nights he is here with me and we snuggle up on the couch. But other nights I am here alone. I listen to the radio, or watch TV, or read, or check Facebook. I never get bored... never. I can't remember the last time - many years ago when I was truly bored. Yes, I do often wish I wasn't going to bed alone. But I know that even that special time isn't always special... Someday I hope to have that intimacy. But for now, I am scared. I am scared of failure. I am scared of hurting my kids. I am scared of getting hurt. I am just scared. So is he. So I am content to be alone. For now. And the foreseeable future.